Yesterday I wrote about how it feels not to feel like myself. As I sat writing, I realised that it’s okay to be uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes. It happens to the best of us, right? So I listened to my heart beating and I thought about all the things I was feeling. And I realised that I want to be happy. More than anything. I want to have more good days than bad days. And I want that to be a permanent state of being. No more fleeting good days, no more faking smiles, no more living life with the glass half empty.
So today, I’m having a day to reset. I’m listening to the music that makes me happy, dancing around my room in my underwear and smiling and laughing. At myself. At good memories. At the fact that I’ve conquered some of the worst heartbreaks and worst moments of my life.
I think it’s important sometimes to reset. Whatever that means to you. If it’s unplugging for a day. If it’s wearing a new top. If it’s hanging out with friends or having unconventional sex or trying a new activity or pushing yourself a little bit farther on that morning run. Slow down. Refocus. Breathe.
I’ve been in a state of happiness for over a week now and it feels good. So I’m running with it. I won’t let the monsters in my head tell me I’m not enough, that I’m useless and reckless and stupid. I won’t let them tell me I am fat and that I don’t mean anything to anyone. Instead I’m going to let them pour out of all my little crevices: my pores, my ears, my fingertips and my heart. I’m going to take that darkness and fill it with light. My light. And as cheesy as that sounds, I want that to be how I fill my days from here on out. I will win. And I will take pride in that fact.