Being the first to apologise.

I’ll be the first to admit that I hate apologising. When it comes to something I’ve done wrong, there are always underlying feelings of guilt, shame and regret. Sometimes there is still anger or frustration and sometimes there’s a sense of urgency. But I’ve learned that despite all these confusing emotions and feelings, I always feel better when I apologise.

Recently, I told a close friend that I needed some space because college and placement was getting too crazy and having just moved overseas, I felt like I needed time to solidify some friendships in my new home town. She understood but, she also read between the lines. In no way was I trying to sever our ties or make her angry but, understandably, she was upset. Despite that though, she was gracious enough to say her piece and leave me alone.

A few months on now, I’ve written her a message saying thank you. It’s my way of apologising for kicking her out of my life when I felt she probably needed me. But at the time, I was thinking of myself and as usual, being the selfish human that I can be. Throughout the last few months, I’ve felt guilty. Guilty for being so abrupt about it, guilty for not being there for her, guilty for my selfishness, and guilty for her understanding.

On the other hand,Β I’ve also felt the need and the want to share aspects of my life with her. Whether it was issues about a boy, about college, about financials or about moving to a new country; a piece of me wanted to share that journey with her. I maintained my space though because it felt like I was relying on my friends 3000 miles away when what I should have been doing was building bridges with the people sitting next to me on a daily basis.

I won’t lie. It was hard to send her a message. The feelings of shame and guilt came back. The urge to be selfish grew stronger. The desperate need for my friend though, that was stronger than any other feeling. So I bit the bullet and I did it.

Remember how I said I always feel better after apologising? Well, today I do. I feel like we can get back on track and understand each other a bit better. I feel like my emotions are less volatile and that I’ve made strides as a human. And I feel like everything I did to push her away only made me want her closer. So here’s to apologising first, or apologising at all. And here’s to feeling confused, happy and scared about it, all at the same time.

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